The Paw Print

Oliver Timberlake

Oliver Timberlake, Staff Writer

Once upon a time, there was a boy raised by a family of parakeets. He grew up and faced many problems. After a few months he was no longer able to fit in the nest and fell from a great height into a pizza delivery guy’s pizza basket. So there he was, a baby in a pizza basket. There was also another boy too. His name was Oliver. Growing up, Oliver was not like normal kids. While most kids went to preschool and learned to count, Oliver Reid was trained in the arts of Jiu Jitsu by Master Zach Galifianakis. Galifianakis also taught him how to cook a darn good quiche. With his newly acquired quiche making skills, Oliver was able to get into Harvard on a full-ride scholarship. There, he got his Doctorate in Thumb Wrestling. After graduating, he became an astronaut and eventually went to Saturn’s second moon. There he became the first man to give birth on the moon to a fully grown adult alien. Oliver headed back to Earth and eventually settled down and had a family, He had a baby boy which he named Oliver Reid Timberlake II. Hi, I’m that guy. I’ve been at KCC my whole life and go by many names, many of which you will have to discover for your own. But I am affectionately known as the “Beanjuicer” on the interweb. With over a billion followers across social media platforms, I’m very very popular and you should go follow me, and like and comment on all my posts and retweet, repost and repin my stuff. I also am very humble. I have many great ideas and consider myself a little bit of a renaissance man. My and my friend Grant Isaac Buresh have plans to become the owners and co-creators of several promising businesses, including the Beanjuice Cafe, Broskis Ski Rental, Watts Cookin’ (an Easy Bake oven dine-in restaurant), Regurgitation Station (mama-bird style all you can eat buffet targeted towards the elderly. “Leave your dentures at the door” ), Chop Tops (not to be confused with Chop Tops), and The Blubberburger. I am also the co-creator of Oliver and Grant’s Certified Bear Friendly and Bear-Proof Trail Mix for Bears and Trails (you’re welcome world). Sometimes Ms. Brown tells me to get a drink even though I am not thirsty but that doesn’t happen too much because I am a diligent student. Goodbye.
p.s. I read applause as applesauce
**update 12/27/19 I am now an ordained minister of the congregation of the universal life church.

All content by Oliver Timberlake
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